How to make a relationship work when real life makes love challenging?

If you’re reading this at the date of posting, you, like so many others have likely locked yourself at home not to come out until COVID- 19 sees its shadow. That’s how it works right? Unfortunately, those that are married or cohabiting with a significant other may not be accustomed to spending so much time together. Cracks in their relationship are beginning to show under the strain of being with each other for so long. How to make a relationship work when times of stress tend to bring out the weak points in both personalities.

That’s what at least 300 couples in Xi’an, China found out the hard way, when after being quarantined for most of January, they filed for divorce the next month. Experts in the west are expecting a similar trend based on what they know of post-holiday divorce rates.

Any time of trouble or stress can show the cracks in a relationship.  It’s easy to get along with one another when everything is going just fine. This is part of the reason many people suggest traveling a long distance with your significant other before you decide to marry them.

You may love your spouse, but most people aren’t used to dealing with them twenty-four hours a day for seven days a week. 

Instead of allowing your relationship to crack and strain under the pressure of these troubled times, consider using this down-time to work on those cracks and strengthen them. Even the healthiest of relationships can come into trouble. But every couple in a healthy relationship knows that maintaining that health requires steady work and good communication.

My husband and I have been couple-preneurs for many years. We live in China, and most of the time we work from home.  So for us, time in quarantine is familiar territory. Before any of this madness reared its ugly head my husband and I were fortunate enough to stumble upon a book entitled “How To Be An Adult In Relationships” by David Richo. 

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I honestly don’t think there is a more appropriate read for some couples during this time.

 

How to Make a Relationship Work: Start With “The Five A’s”

In his book, Richo analyses the potential failure of relationships through what he calls the Five A’s:

1. Attention 

2. Acceptance  

3. Appreciation 

4. Affection 

5. Allowing

The Five A’s are the essential ingredients of love. Richo explains that if these needs aren’t satisfied early on in life by our parents, people will seek to fulfill the needs through their partner.  Just one more reason the story of Oedipus is such a tragedy I guess.

In busy times it is easy to overlook any issues with the relationship. People might just choose to let things slide as they have their offices to serve as a backdoor if they want to avoid arguments with the partner.

Deprived of any outlets, locked away with nothing but their partner and their inner demons the worst of us comes to light. This can be related to our psychological makeup or rather the lack of the 5A’s we’ve been deprived in childhood. It is this that comes to hunt us in the form of projections of our ego or even unrealistic expectations towards our partner.

That’s right, you could blame your parents, but I’m sure you realize how unhealthy I’m going to tell you that is.

Below is my take on the 5A’s from “How To Be An Adult In Relationships” by David Richo:

Attention

Attention is the first of the 5A’s, and it refers to how attentive our parents were towards us, our feelings, and our fears when we were children. A healthy amount of attention helps people become better listeners. They foster open communication in relationships, attend to their partner’s needs, and make them feel like their needs matter.

Lacking this element in childhood can create someone who constantly desires attention from the partner, and whose reality is blurred by the projections of their ego.

Acceptance

If a person feels that their parents had preconceived agendas and were unaccepting of their child’s individuality, they’re bound to feel inadequate later in life. In adult life, their self-worth might be grounded in others’ approval and swayed by criticism.

When in a relationship, these individuals will also find it hard to love their partner unconditionally for who they are. Instead, they will expect them to meet certain standards.

Appreciation

If someone was cherished, praised, and had their worth validated then they’ll have no problem expressing gratitude and appreciation for what they have and who they have in their life. In married life, intimacy is about giving and receiving. It fosters closeness between couples.

Affection

A child raised by loving, affectionate parents, they learn compassion. If parents choose to show affection instead of distancing or even abandoning their children whenever they do something wrong, then their children will develop empathy. They will learn to care about how others are feeling in moments of pain.

Love is encoded in every cell of our bodies. Therefore in times of anxiety or uncertainty, an affectionate touch or hug from the partner can erase all deep fears.

Allowing

If a child grew up in an atmosphere of joy and forgiveness and was allowed by parents to talk freely and pursue their own interests, they will have a feeling that it is safe to be themselves. Without healthy allowing in childhood, one might choose a controlling partner. Becoming submissive to the other’s will creates an unhealthy, toxic relationship.

Hopefully, as you were reading about the 5As you were able to identify some of the underlying problems in your own relationships.

The Couple-Preneurs Advice on “How To Make a Relationship Work”   

Our business made spending a long time with each other inevitable. We knew we had to work our way past some issues if we wanted to keep our relationship.

Prior to learning about the 5A’s, we resorted to some common methods used in business to solve problems such as scheduling a “meeting” to talk about every little problem that we’d been sweeping under the rug. We’d then designate an action plan about how to deal with problems before they became big enough to be unfixable.

Though very useful, this method left us frustrated at times. There were some things about each other’s behavior that we wanted to correct but didn’t know how.

After reading more about the 5A’s, we were very surprised to find out that the root of some of the problems we’ve been unable to solve for years was rooted in childhood. This book helped us to trace the reasons, bring them to surface, and understand why we react in ways that irritate the other.

It put our problems in plain view before we decided on the appropriate action.

Surprisingly we realized that there was simply nothing to be done about certain problems. Understanding the root causes and reminding each other of it instead of trying to change it was the best we could do. Everything else is “self-work” now. This has been the most effective way to deal with marriage problems we’ve found so far.

Having gone through many arguments in our married life which have closely intertwined with business, here are some tips we would like to share with anyone who is ready to make their relationship work:

 

1. Make Regular Appointments to “Deal With the Demons”

Once a week, once a month, once a quarter bring out the issues proactively rather than wait until everything starts erupting. During this process agree to disarm yourselves of accusations or defense mechanisms.  If it happens, kindly call out your partner for their behavior.  If you catch yourself being defensive or accusative, admit your mistake.

2. Stop Adding Fuel To The Fire

When one or both of you is upset and you notice yourself approaching or getting into heated arguments, stop immediately.  Make a few notes and address the problem at a later time when you are both cool-headed. Continuing to fight is just adding fuel to an already burning fire.  Like fire, sometimes the consequences of your arguments might be irreversible.

3. Be a Good Listener

Listen to your partner carefully, pay attention to how they feel. Becoming defensive will automatically “invalidate” their feelings. Instead, use empathy and compassion, put yourself in their shoes and try to experience and understand how things felt from their perspective.  It can be hard at times and will take practice.

Place importance on how your partner feels and work to realize that the feelings and the facts are often very different things.

In the end, though it’s the feelings and the way the events were perceived, not the way they actually unfolded, that matter.

4. Don’t Make Assumptions

When there is something about your partner that makes you unhappy, bring the issue to light and discuss the behavior. Don’t make assumptions, derive your own conclusions about the situation, and then seethe about them.  This way the cause of the unwanted behavior won’t be blurred by the projections of your own ego.

You’ll also be fostering open communication that is key to long-lasting relationships.

5. Give Up Control

If you tend to be the dominant personality, your behavior might be hurting the relationship. Don’t pressure your partner into being who you want them to be. Instead, allow your partner to feel they are being respected for who they are and that it’s safe to be themselves in the relationship.

6. Don’t Get Caught in a Vicious Cycle

If possible, try to identify the patterns that lead up to and happen during arguments. Most couples find themselves treading the same ground repeatedly. Catch each other if you think some action or behavior is being repeated during your arguments.

7. Be Supportive

Offer support when your partner is expressing their emotions. Don’t start by telling them what you think they should be doing. Everyone needs to vent their emotions sometimes. It’s important to remember that these emotions are always valid even if they are sometimes unreasonable.

You’ll have a better chance of analyzing whether or not feeling a certain way was reasonable after the emotions are shared and processed.

Sometimes it’s better to just offer support by listening and asking what can be done to help.

8. Mind the Language

In a sensitive situation, it is very important to maintain a friendly tone and refrain from criticizing your partner directly.  Arguments can often devolve into spats of “You do this all the time.” and “Oh yeah?! Well, you do this!” When discussing troublesome behavior, “you” becomes an accusative word that can put your partner on the defensive.

Avoid the word and instead open up about the behavior and how it makes you feel.  Place focus on the behavior and its results, not the person doing it.

9. Don’t Forget the Power of the Touch

Bodily contact will help to ease the tension that you might be feeling in the moment. A simple touch can be the key past fear that will open up a conversation.

Touching someone affectionately while you’re disagreeing seems contradictory.  This contradiction is powerful though.  It mixes the messages in the brain and reminds you that the person you’re angry with cares about you.  It can tone down a heated argument if you allow it to happen.

Scientifically, an affectionate touch, especially a hug, causes the brain to release a lot of ‘feel good’ neurotransmitters like endorphins that help to ease pain and assuage anger.

10. Ask For and Be Open to Feedback

It’s in the nature of some people to avoid arguments.  While admirable, it can also close them off to healthy exchanges if they associate the subject matter with the beginning of an argument.  This, in turn, closes them off to feedback.  Feedback from others is what helps us improve socially.  That’s why learning to give and accept feedback properly is so important.

If we don’t accept feedback we stand to discourage our partners from open communication which in turn might hurt the relationship in the long run.

These are just some of the things my partner and I have come to realize over the course of nearly a decade together.  We’re still trying to improve our relationship, because we recognize that healthy relationships are a continuous effort. If you’re beginning to see the cracks of your relationship, or even if you’re not, we hope that this has at least offered some insight into how to make your relationship work better.

 

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